Mommy Mondays

I first met Jennifer through the very infamous Timi! She is a fellow photographer and creative. Via facebook (of course!) we have gotten to know one another a little bit better, and has helped answer MANY a crazy question..in fact now that I think about it, she really has put up with a lot of my rambling crazies!! hahaha! She is wife to Philip and mommy to Natalie a sweet 7.5 year old. Jennifer and Philip adopted Natalie at the age of 10 months in 2004 from China.

I'm just as clueless as my readers for once!! I don't know you very well so let's start from the beginning.. what led you to adoption, how old were you, how long had you been married..you know all the good stuff!

First off, thank you Amber for thinking of us. I love to talk about our adoption story. It has been the greatest blessing of our lives!

Phil and I were married in 1998. He was 27 and I was 30 at the time. We knew we had a few years to enjoy being married but didn’t want to wait too long before starting our family. From our earliest discussions about children, we were clear on the fact that we wanted them. I had always known I wanted to adopt at some point and Phil was open to it as well. I have always felt that there are too many unwanted children in the world and questioned if I really needed to bring any more children into the world when there were already so many who needed love.

After about a year and a half of trying to conceive, and no result, we began to talk about adoption. I wanted to adopt internationally because I felt that those children were ones that needed the most help. I started off looking into adopting from Estonia and/or Japan because both Phil and I have lived abroad in those countries and understand their cultures and speak the languages. It became clear pretty quickly that those countries probably wouldn’t work out because not many foreigners adopt from there. Unfortunately, there is much corruption in both the international and domestic adoption realm—human/child trafficking, corrupt people, etc.—so I wanted to find a program that was stable and had a system of checks and balances. I prayed quite a bit during this time for guidance. I knew that God had a plan for us and would lead us to where we were needed.

I was at the Northwest Women’s Show and came across an organization called American’s Adopting Orphans. We met with the owners of AAO several times to talk about the process, our concerns, their credentials, etc. and it all just felt right. After much prayers, talking to others who had adopted from China and through AAO etc., we decided to take a leap of faith and signed up with their organization in June of 2003.

Once you had decided you were going to move forward with that decision how long did it take?

Once I decide something, I am on it! It is quite the process, let me tell you. We always joked throughout it, that if all parents had to go through that same process, there would be far less children in the world. We had to get many letters of recommendation, go through police and FBI checks, have several home-studies completed, fill out volumes of application paperwork for both the US and China, attend parenting classes and classes on adoption, get medically cleared, and so forth.

We sent our final document off to the Chinese consulate in September of 2003. Interestingly, we did this on our way for a two-week driving trip to California. We stopped in Olympia for a few notary items and then put everything into an envelope for the consulate and headed off on our trip. All the while on the trip, I kept telling Phil that I felt our child and knew that he or she was somewhere in the world now. I hadn’t any feelings about this prior to that and I was feeling it pretty strongly. So much so, that I had to buy a souvenir for the baby on that trip (a little stuffed frog - and Natalie’s nickname by her grandpa is coincidentally now frog.) Phil thought I was feeling this way just because it had seemed more real then since things were progressing forward with our paperwork. I just knew it was more than that. Call it mother’s intuition... Natalie was born during that time we were on our trip!

Our official dossier was logged-in to the China Center for Adoption Affairs in November of 2003. At the time, there was a predictability to the process. We were able to keep track, via lots of waiting family groups and blogs, about the process and when to expect our referral. Each month, China would send out a note about the dates of logged-in dossiers they had processed and who had received referrals. We knew that, barring another SARS outbreak, we would move through the process in about 9 months to a year.

So tell me about when you found out about Natalie.

In June 2004, we knew that we would be receiving our referral soon. The referral is when you receive a picture and information about the child selected for you. You fill out an entire profile about yourself and the Chinese government somehow matches a child up with you that they think best matches your family.

Ladybugs are symbolic in the Chinese adoption community as a sign of good luck. The night before we received our referral, Phil was reading outside and a ladybug landed on his book. He called me out to look at it and I told him it was a sign that we were going to get our referral soon. The very next day (I’m not joking!), I was at work and got a call from our adoption agency. Cindy, one of the owners, asked “are you sitting down?” My heart started racing and I started to cry. She said “I’m looking at the picture of your new baby daughter.” I started screaming and all of my co-workers were jumping up and down. This child and that adoption process was an event for our family and all those who knew us. She has to have been THE most anticipated and THE most wanted child ever! There were congratulations around, a call to Phil at work and lots of tears.

We somehow made it through the rest of the day. I don’t think either of us did any work. We also somehow drove to the agency, though neither of us could tell you how we got there. I do remember walking through the door and thinking “my life will be forever changed from this moment on...” Cindy was smiling and asked “are you ready?” Then we opened the folder and saw this smiling, adorable, sweet little baby girl staring back at us. She was 9 months old at the time and had these long sideburns of hair and not so much on top. I remember saying she looked like a little old Chinese man. Ha! She was adorable and we couldn’t have been more proud.

We left there and went to a Bartell’s to make photos and then drove all over the place to show all the aunties, grandmas and grandpas, friends, and pass out photos. I couldn’t stop looking at her and reading about her. Apparently, she was quiet (how quickly that chaged...)liked music and nature. How they could tell this at that age, I do not know? Then began the worry. I think it is a worry that all parents identify with. I don’t know if it will ever end? It was awful! I now had a picture and a little face to worry about every day. Was she ok? Was she being taken care of? Was she getting enough to eat? Was she being comforted. Oh, it was agony! At least I had lots to keep my mind occupied as we had to then start getting things ready for her. I had known that we would most likely be referred a daughter, but I didn’t know her age or what else to expect so didn’t really do much to shopping or anything prior to getting her referral. From that moment on, it was baby planning central.

We had to wait for all of the other families in our travel group to return their dossiers and accept their referral. Once all of those were received, there were sent off to China and we had to wait again for travel dates. We finally got word at the beginning of July that we would travel in about two weeks time so then went into travel planning mode. It was crazy!

I can't even imagine the anticipation of it!! So much goes into making everything happen, you were both just out of your mind?

Yes, we were out of our minds! Like I said, I was filled with excitement but also, worried everyday about her and for her safety. Thankfully, there was much to do to prepare for her and for our travel to China. I had no idea what to pack or plan for. At least when you are pregnant and give birth, you know how to plan. You know that you will have a newborn, what they can eat, what they will wear, etc. I really had no idea so had to pack a wide variety of things. We had 3 suitcases full of different sized clothing, different formulas and foods, toys, diapers, etc. It was a bit overwhelming. It was also very joyous and just an exciting time in our lives.

After everything..tell me about your first real meeting...

We went to China a few days ahead of our scheduled adoption day so that we could get rested and acclimated to the time change. It was hard to be there and know I was so much closer to her but still couldn’t see her. We traveled with 5 other families who were adopting from the same orphanage. The night before we got to meet the kids, we all had dinner together and toasted each other, our daughters, and our new lives together. There was much laughter, joy and anticipation! I hardly slept because I was too excited. As a kid growing up, I never was able to sleep before Christmas, my birthday or any event I was excited about and I almost always made myself sick with the anticipation of it. Well, it is no different now that I’m an adult. I hardly slept and felt sick that morning because I was so overwhelmed with anticipation. I packed and repacked the bag to bring to the meeting and triple and quadruple checked that I had everything. Finally, it was time to get on that darn bus and go to the city building to meet our daughter.

From then on, it was so surreal. We entered a room and had to fill out more paperwork. I just kept thinking about all we had gone through to get to that point. I was filling out more paperwork and then we heard cries as the babies entered the building. My heart stopped as I saw the babies go by and enter another room. I caught a glimpse of Natalie and breathed a sigh of relief. About 5-10 more minutes go by as everyone is getting prepared and then one by one, they start bringing in the babies. The orphanage director asked “who is the parent of this child” and each family took turns going up to meet their daughter. Natalie was the 4th to come in. They brought her in and Phil and I jumped up. They asked who her parents were, we replied with our names and they placed her in my arms. I remember looking at her and she looked back at me. She touched my hair and I started to cry. This made her cry so I had to stop. I kept reminding myself that while this was a happy and joyous event, especially from our perspective, this was an overwhelming and potentially terrifying event for the girls. I just held her and patted her back and spoke softly to her. She kept looking at Phil and I with her big, brown eyes. I got out a little toy bee rattler that I had brought and she loved that. We visited with her nanny and got more information about her likes, what she liked to eat, what her abilities were, etc. Natalie went back to her nanny but kept looking at Phil and I to see what we were doing. We were playing a game with her and her little bee. Then she reached out for me and I knew we were going to be ok. She fell asleep in my arms and we went back to the hotel. It was so strange to have woken up that morning and left the hotel as a couple and then come home a few hours later as a family.

So after all the waiting, everything that had led up to those moments..then bam you are back on a plane home as parents..what were your first thoughts??

We were in China for another week or week and a half going through doctor visits, touring, a swearing-in ceremony at the embassy, etc. We had a funny visit to the zoo with the girls where they were more interested in the trees and grass than the animals and our group of Caucasian parents with Asian daughters was quite the attraction for the local Chinese people. Everywhere we went, people followed us around and told us “Thank you.” It was strange. I was the one who wanted to thank them. In as much as I wanted to help children via adoption, I still wanted to have the experience of raising a child and the only way that was possible was through adoption.

As we left on the plane, which was full of families who had been on an adoption trip of their own, I remember crying. I was sad for what it meant for all of the birth families that, for whatever reason, had relinquished their children and what that would mean for both them and for our daughters as time went on. I cried for Natalie and her birth culture that she would never fully understand being raised a world away. I cried for Natalie’s birth mother and said a word of thanks to her for caring enough to make sure she would have a better life. I think there is much misunderstanding about Chinese people and giving up their children. It is illegal for many to have more than one child unless they can pay very high, unaffordable taxes to have more than one. It is also illegal for them to place their children for adoption. Due to this, quite often, it used to be that—because of the cultural preference for boys (this is due to the fact that girls grow up and leave their birth families when they get married. The boys stay and take care of their aging parents)—girl babies were aborted or left to die because there were no other choices for families. I still hear things like “Chinese people hate their girls,” which just isn’t true. Families have gone to great risks to give birth to their girls and then place them in a public place where they can quickly and safely be found and brought to an orphanage. Fortunately, policies are changing in Chinese culture and they realize now that they went about their population control the wrong way. Changes are being made and great strides are being taken in working to keep children with their families. Obviously, there is still room for much improvement, but it is a start.

As I left on the plane I also cried tears of joy as well for what lie ahed of us and for our family. I knew that there were very many anxious and excited cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and grandparents ready and waiting at home to surround this child with love.

Talk to me about some of the hard parts...

The whole process we had to go through to be able to adopt was daunting. Since then, the bonding issues have been hard, but they have come full circle and we have a very strong and close relationship thankfully today. It was hard in the middle of it wondering if my daughter would ever trust me. I read lots of books, we saw an attachment professional, etc. I knew that it would just take time and consistency in being there for her and giving her what she needed to be able to trust us.

Now, the hard parts are dealing with the questions about her adoption. She is reaching the age of reason and each new developmental milestone raises new questions about her adoption and why she adopted, etc. I can see her working through things and the questions she has. I know she needs to process it all, and I help her through it, but it is difficult to watch someone you love go through that type of pain. When she says things like “I wish I came out of your tummy” it makes my heart break. I tell her I wish that too. Not because that would change anything about how I feel about her, but for her sake and her feelings about her worthiness as person. I hate that I don’t have her birth story to tell her. I do have her adoption story though and she LOVES hearing it and how very much we all were excited and how very much she was wanted in this family.

Talk to me about some of the amazing parts..

If you don’t believe in God, you will after completing an adoption. I have always believed, but this process just brought it to 100% certainty that there is a God and he has a plan for all of us. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that we were meant to go through the adoption process, that this child was meant to be in my life and I was meant to raise her. The joy she has brought to our family is beyond measure. She is truly a gift from above and I’m am reminded how blessed I am every day to hear “I love you mommy” from this dear, sweet child.

We have an incredible support network of friends who have adopted from China. The local resources for international adoption are amazing and we have made lifelong friendships from having gone through this process. That was really an unexpected part of the whole thing. Natalie has a core group of girls that she can turn to at anytime that understand exactly what she is feeling and thinking and going through as it relates to being a Chinese-American girl adopted from China.

Another amazing part is the whole nature vs. nurture aspect. It is so interesting to see how she identifies so strongly with different parts of Phil’s and my personality. Everything from her interests, to her skills and abilities, to how she reacts to something exactly as we do is truly fascinating. Someone just commented the other day how much she looks and acts like us. She really does look like my husband at least.

Beyond that is just being a mother. Nothing in life really prepares you for it. It is a great blessing as well as one of the most trying and best learning experiences of my life. It certainly has created a deeper respect for my parents and what they went through to raise my sister and I. I think becoming a parent is when you really learn what the term unconditional love means. (AMEN!!!)

Ok fun question time..if you could invite ANY 3 peeps over to dinner who would it be..(dead or alive)

Hmm... good question! I don’t think I can narrow it to 3 though. I would love to meet Oprah. I think she is an amazing woman and has great insight into life. It would be really interesting to meet her and fun to have her over for dinner. Walt Disney would be another person I would love to meet. He was a true creative visionary and I think it would be fascinating to hear what he thinks about the where his vision has gone and what he thinks about the state of affairs in the world today. So many other great visionary and creative people to invite over!

I do have to bring it to 4 peeps for dinner though because I would love to have both my grandma and grandpa over to meet my family. They passed away when I was in high-school. They were married for over 50 years and were the most loving, wonderful people in the world you could ever meet. Together, they had 16 children and numerous nieces, nephews and grandchildren. I think my generation of the grandchildren totals around 49. You never would have known it. They had the ability to make each one of us feel as though we were their only grandchild and extremely special. They were at all of our important events, always had kind words and big hugs for us and were so very special. I would love for them to be able to meet my husband and daughter. I know they would have loved the whole adoption process and finally meeting Natalie.

Cha cha changes..

via


The Dish always says, "it comes in three's". (as in major upheavals in life..changes)

Last night I was dealt the third, this plunged me into deep thought about how quickly our lives can change.

30 years ago, many people retired from the same place they had worked for over 20 years. Children and grandchildren lived across town from one another. Only seasoned pro's could start that successful business.. and facebook??? What the heck is a computer??

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little reluctant to some of the change I see coming my way. I have my heels dug in a bit.

I'm leaving marks as time is

ruthlessly pulling me forward.

Dragging my feet.

There are MANY problems associated dragging your feet syndrome..or as I like to call it..focusing on the past..what was.
(not to mention the HEAVY fashion implications)

-You get a killer crick in your neck.
-You miss everything on the horizon. Always watching the sun set, never seeing it rise.
-Living in the momement..hahahaha..naw I'm just going to sit here and be wistful about what was.
-Embracing the place you are. Right. At. This. Very. Moment.
-Growing Up.
-Potential...The potential of what?? How about the potential of WHATEVER MAY COME!! We all have so much untapped potential..why oh why do we waste it on FEAR.
-Living out your story. We all have one, what a bummer it would be for it to end prematurely..to stay stuck in the exact same place for the rest of our days here on earth. Super big bummer.

Life moves forward regardless of my acceptance of the changes set before me.

Once again, I'm confronted with the power of our personal choices..as in faith, grace, love, change..what will I choose??

Choose to love? Choose to believe? Choose to accept grace? Choose to embrace the change??

Hard choices, but mine all mine, none the less.

I think a visit to the chiropractor is in order..I need a little work done on that crick in my neck.

**Mommy Monday will post on Tuesday..sheeeeesh people, can't I have a day off??**

The List (because it's been a while)

Straight out of camera..food on his face and all. Yes the sun flare through the trees is over done..but I'm in love with this (growing) boy and with this picture:)

10. I have drastically downsized my personal blog list. It's amazing how much my tastes have changed over this past year, how much I have found does NOT really inspire me..but rather..bring me down.

9. Oh my this has been a positively AWFUL spring..seriously enough with the rain already.

8. ROAD TRIP!! Smoking hot mini-van..6 equally smoking hot Strehle's..one destination..

Scenic NEBRASKA!!! (oh you are jealous right now...just admit it)

So I went ahead and googled.."famous landmarks in Nebraska" I came away with such gems as..


Chimney Rock..or as I call it, weird phallic symbol rock. AND



The always funny.."Honey I'm home" landmark.

And..

A REAL corn PALACE!!! YEE DOGGIES!!..a MUST stop destination for the 2011 Strehle Christmas card photo.

Lastly..


Daniel Craig..oh wait, he is not in Nebraska, bummer.

7. I go through these phases of not being able to stomach the news..this is one of those phases. Too much dang sadness.

6. I'm not going to Farm Chicks this year..hard decision..but mi familia needs me present right now, another weekend away from them seems like a little too much. The biggest bummer of it all is missing so many of my peeps. Farm Chicks is kinda like a big big junky hug.

5. I watched this full documentary this week..AMAZING. Here is just a quick highlighted version that I found. If you are photog, go watch it.



4. Lazy summer days cannot get here fast enough.

3. On that note we have had a pretty dang AWESOME school year. Love my kiddos school.

2. I'm working on a facebook fan page for the group I traveled to Kenya with, cannot WAIT to bring more attention to the work being done there!!!

1. Mommy Mondays have TOTALLY rocked my world this year!! WOW!!! I am just in love with all of my mommies and all the support out in my little blogasphere. I have already had a few emails about leads for next year which is sooooo cool!! I have not really meant to not post (other than mommy posts) much during this month, but it has just kinda worked out that way. I love it when things just kinda work themselves out..LOVE it.

Love you. Love this blog. Love being surrounded by so many amazing peeps. Am I using the word love to much?? Maybe, but I know you love me anyway:)

Mommy Mondays

Many of you know Heather Simon from my photography blog. She is wife to Chad and mommy to Wyatt, Wade and Sienna. Just a little bit over a year ago she gave birth to Wade and Sienna, boy/girl twins. She had a pretty intense pregnancy and she has very graciously agreed to chat with me about it!! yay!

Girl! Thanks so much for doing this!

You are so so welcome! Anything for you and I actually do love talking about this.

If I remember correctly I received a message on facebook from you with something along the lines of "Hey, it's Heather and we just found out we are having twins..I need to talk!" hahaha:) Talk to me a little bit about finding out you were having twins, were you expecting them, trying??

Well, we were trying and later expecting “A” baby. We always knew we wanted two kids so when the time was right we started trying and {as with my first pregnancy, *Wyatt*} it didn’t take long. Everything felt fine other than the fact that I was getting bigger faster this time. I saw my doc at 13 weeks and the appointment went as expected. She found the heartbeat right away, answered my questions and off I went. Somewhere between 15 and 16 weeks I went in to get some blood work done. I decided to get all the genetic testing done as well since they were already drawing blood. A few days later I got a call from the doctor office asking me to come in for “genetic counseling”. WHAT in the world did THAT mean? Chad and I both began to panic. They told us that the “numbers were abnormally high” for Spina Bifida. I didn’t even know what that was or what that meant. We immediately got online to dig up anything and everything we could find. Basically what we learned is that this news could mean anything between “nothing” and “life threatening debilitation's”. Aaahh, this was too much for me to wrap my head around so I tried to put it out of my mind and go to this counseling to find out EXACTLY what was going on with our baby. Chads work was spotty at the time and he ended up having to work the day of my appointment, he HAD to take the work when it was available. So I put on my brave girl undies and went by myself. After an HOUR of talking with a lady and almost a full box of tissues I was sent down for an ultrasound. My mind was spinning out of control with all this new found knowledge of Spina Bifida. I’m pretty sure it was about 10 hours later when she finally came in. As soon as she put the wand up to my belly she said in a rather shocked tone “Oh, there’s two”. TWO WHAT???? BABIES????? It felt like somebody had loaded me into a slingshot and hurled me from one world of terror to another! I started to get hysterical, this was more than I could handle. The technician said “I take it you didn’t know you were having twins?” I couldn’t even respond. She told me she needed to go let someone know because a twin scan takes longer. I tried to pull myself together so I could call Chad but my phone had no reception. So I just laid there sobbing until the tech came back. I had actually skimmed over something online about false positive Spina Bifida numbers being caused by twins but honestly that barely even registered as a possibility to us. She asked if I needed more time to collect myself or if I wanted her to keep going. “Keep going, keep going” was all I could say. By this time my thoughts went to “are THEY okay?”. She finished the scan, which took another 10 hours and told me that everything looked wonderful, I had two healthy happy babes in there. Then she asked if I wanted to know the sexes. “YES!” {I was having a very hard time thinking in terms of THEY and THEM}. She peeked around for a minute and told me that we were going to have one girl and one boy. Now, Chad still had no idea whether our baby was okay or not so I hugged the technician {she said all the right things and I loved her for that} took my ultrasound pictures and rushed outside to find reception. I decided I couldn’t tell him that kind of news on the phone so I called and told him everything was okay and that I found out what the sex was, I was coming to see him at work with the pictures. By the time I got there, he had deciphered the news from the tone of my voice. He already knew we were having twins! {That night is when I messaged you, I needed some expert advise, and proof that I could indeed survive two babies at once.}

So here you were going along, everything is good with the pregnancy, then one day you find yourself in the hospital aaaand you end up not leaving for quite some time.

So there we were…we had been assigned to the big guns, Maternal Fetal Medicine {MFM}. They specialize in high risk pregnancies. They also warned us that it was very likely that I would end up on bed rest, that most twin moms do. I had a toddler at home that just turned two and I would need to take care not to over exert myself. This is exactly what I thought I was doing. On December 22, 2009 {I was 24 weeks along} I left Wyatt with Grandma and headed out to my weekly checkup with MFM. The scan was great, both babies were doing very well. Then she checked my cervix and excused herself to go get the doctor, I knew it wasn’t good. The doctor came back and told me he was going to admit me to the hospital….WHAT?!! My cervix was dangerously short and I could go into labor any minute. “I can’t be admitted, I have a toddler at home, he needs me”. Again with the waterworks, I was sobbing listening to the doctor tell me that I couldn’t even go home to say goodbye, or get my stuff, or get the babies room ready, or do laundry…..or even walk myself over to the hospital. I called and told Chad the news through tears and blubbers. They loaded me into a wheelchair and pushed me through some bat caves {empty hallways so people wouldn’t see me so hysterical} over to my new home. I remember after the nurses gave me the tour and the rundown, just when I was starting to calm down a tad, one of them said “oh you poor thing, getting stuck in here right before Christmas”. I hadn’t even realized that I was going to MISS Christmas. So much for calming down. Chad came to see me right away, but I wasn’t ready to see Wyatt yet. I knew I would scare him to death with my hysterics, so he came the next day. It took me a few days to really come to grips with the situation. I had no other choice really. Every time I began to loose it and cry, I would start having contractions despite all the medication I was on to stop labor. It was time to bust out the brave girl undies again and buck up. They sent a neo-natologist over to talk with me who promptly told me he wasn’t going to sugar coat anything, that my babies would have a slim 14% chance of survival if I had them this early. The lives of our twins were at stake. I knew right then that I was going to do my darndest to keep these babies in my belly for as long as I possibly could.



Wow, in the hospital for 13 weeks, with a toddler at home. How did you cope? What range of emotions did you go through? Did you sooo miss your bed?? Did you sooo miss Wyatt??! (oh and Chad too!)



The ONLY reason I survived is because of the pure kindness and selflessness of our family and friends. I honestly don’t even know where to start with this one. My heart was more broken than it had ever been in my entire life. I’d never before missed anyone as much as I missed my little boy and my husband. I went through every kind of emotion you can think of. As the nurses warned me, it’s very much like the grieving process…..shock, guilt, sadness, anger and eventually acceptance. I was truly a mess despite my resolve to pull this off. Luckily Chad had a few weeks off of work so he could be home with Wyatt. Ironically, his last day was the day I was admitted. He was so brave for Wyatt and I. He assured me that he would take care of everything and not to worry. It’s not in my nature NOT to worry, but I knew he would make it work. Chad’s family brought me care packages of food, movies, jammies, games, craft supplies and even a computer. They all offered to do whatever we needed. In fact I didn’t miss Christmas after all. Chad’s aunt, sister and cousin hooked me up with Skype so I could be there for the festivities. Of course watching my little boy open his gifts via a webcam wasn’t quite as magical, but it was perfect for the situation and I was so incredibly grateful. Chad and Wyatt even came to stay the night with me Christmas Eve. Santa came to see Wyatt and he was so excited! Okay, if they could make Christmas work, we might just survive this after all. When it came time for Chad to go back to work, my mother-in-law {Lynn} was up at our house at 5am every morning to watch Wyatt. She packed him up and made the trek to come visit me nearly every single day. She did my laundry and who knows how many other chores. Who makes this kind of sacrifice? Who can make this kind of commitment and give up so much of themself? My amazing mother-in-law, THAT’S WHO!!! Seeing my son so often definitely made all the world of difference and that wouldn’t have happened without her. Another saving grace was my beloved calendar.



About two weeks in, my sister-in-law {Leah} made me a gorgeous calendar to track my progress. Every morning I woke up I got a little card to pin up. A way to celebrate each day that my babies were where they needed to be. The cards had various themes depending on the week. One week was riddles, another was inspiring bible verses, messages from friends and family etc. I never knew what I was going to get, kind of like an advent calendar. Attached to each card was a picture from my life, mostly Wyatt. I slowly got to build a collage along with a visual of my days of success {unborn babies}. At the anniversary of each week I also got a celebratory “prize”. Lunch or dinner from the outside world along with a movie or the comforting company of my sister-in-laws, two perfect hand made blankies for the babies from a friend, an in-room pedicure the list is endless. I also so looked forward to my weekly photo shoots with you. I knew I wouldn’t remember a lot of what was going on so when you offered to photo-log my journey I was beyond excited! Mostly though I looked forward to our mommy conversations. The generosity was endless, I will never be able to truly describe what this all meant to me. Visitors came almost daily, there were very few days when I had none. On those days I knitted, I got addicted to the “Knifty Knitter” and made a million baby beanies. Chads aunt even hooked me up with a blanket loom so I made each twin a blanket. Then Chads aunts and grandmother connected them and finished them off for me. They are beautiful! My other sister-in-law {Trisha} turned me on to Kiefer Sutherlands “24”. I was instantly hooked and watched from season 1 all the way through season 7! I also journaled, which I didn’t start until two weeks in {wish I would have started on day 1}. The nurses were wonderful as well, I definitely got close to my favorites and looked forward to their shifts. All of this {and much much more} kept me sane, kept me busy, and most of all kept me pregnant!

Tell me something positive about your stay, something that you very much gained from it. (ok this is my FAVORITE answer of the interview!)

Wow, what did I NOT gain from this….two beautiful, healthy happy twins {wasn’t that what all this was about?}. I gained deeper relationships with my loved ones that took the time to come sit with me when I was trapped. I now understand what it’s like to be there for someone else {like others were for me}. I’ve spent my life worrying about calling at the wrong time, saying the wrong thing, having the wrong reaction etc. But now I strive to be like everyone that was there for me. It’s okay to just “be there”, to let someone know that you are thinking of them or hurting with them. I’ve always been so afraid of making bad situations even worse for others that I end up not being there for them at all. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I gained an appreciation for my husband that I would not otherwise had an opportunity to do. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I felt my world get a lot snugglier.



Your birth was beautiful, suddenly you are faced with returning home and TWO additions to the family. As if coming home with twins is not enough you come home for the first time in months! Was the transition back home hard?







Oh my, yes. The first year with the twins was the hardest of our lives so far. Not only did I have two needy infants, I had a toddler who was getting his mommy back {finally} but not really, you know? It was so weird to return home. I was overwhelmed with joy just to walk through the door. It was what I was dreaming about every day for the past three months. I was weak physically and knew I was about to go from slug to cheetah. How can we possibly do this, I couldn’t even walk up the stairs without somebody spotting me! Once again, Lynn came to the rescue. She was with me every single day Chad was at work for the first 6 months. I’m convinced she’s my guardian angel. There were days when I didn’t have time to eat or brush my teeth. She kept me together when I lost it, which was quite often. I would never have survived without her love and support.

Soo fun question..

No objections to money and 7 days..what would you do??

I’ve been racking my brain trying to answer this question as honestly as possible. I keep coming back to something that Lynn and I have daydreamed a little bit about. A big ol’ family trip to Hawaii. With all the siblings and their kids. I just think it would be heaven watching my 3 little water babies and the cousins have the time of their lives in the ocean. Maybe a romantic dinner or two with my husband. And fun with the whole family. I’m a sun girl and that always seems to be when everyone else comes alive too. So that’s what I’m going with! Hawaii.

Afterthought…

This was a lot harder than I expected, trying to get everything in here I wanted to share. There’s so much more to the story but this is what spilled out. Today it seems like such a dream to have experienced such craziness but what it all comes down to is trusting that GOD has a plan and you just have to be patient and appreciate the life you have with your loved ones.

Mommy Mondays

**This week for Mommy Monday I planned to interview myself (insert narcissism here) ok not really interview..but tell you a little story about my weekend. Next week we resume with interviews from Mothers who are not me (see I'm generous) (yes I have had this planned all along)(in case you were wondering)(but you were not)(there is that narcissism again)**

As women I believe many of us have bought into a lie.

A lie about beauty, being Mothers, women..attaining perfection.
At some point in each and every one of our lives we have believed it.

Maybe it was when you read that first Cosmo article at a young impressionable age that promised..

"AMAZING SEX EVERY SINGLE TIME!!"

Or the first time you saw your favorite movie star, 2 days post baby looking like a million bucks.

On Saturday I spent the day with 20 remarkable women. Women who posses a strength that comes only from knowing extreme adversity.

Women who have been victims of domestic violence.

For a few hours every year the YWCA in Spokane host a "Day of Beauty". Ladies are able to come in for a few hours of pampering, hair, make-up, nails and finally a photo (that is where I come in). It's a pretty awesome day. This year I walked away with some very strong emotions, mostly about the idea of our self worth as women.

Many of these ladies struggle with the idea of being worth something, really worth anything. They have bought into the lie. Many had not had their picture taken EVER, or very long ago. Who would they give it to? Why would anyone want a picture of me? Were just a few of the comments I heard.

They did not believe me when I told them they were beautiful..they had amazing smiles, glowing skin and pretty eyes.

One lady lifted her shirt to show us the bruises...she was new to the shelter, "I've only just come here, I'm hoping they can help me get back on my feet." My stomach churned with anger, fear and deep sadness.

I watched as they sat down..battling insecurity, battling the past, battling every negative horrible thing she had ever been told. My heart broke.

Then peeps, I got a little angry at us women. Ladies, I have a something to tell you...

God did not make a mistake when you were knit in your mother's womb.

Those thunder thighs? Not a mistake. Eyes too close together? Perfect.
My double chin??**sigh** Thanks a lot God, I really could have gone without that one.

I'm tired of the lie, tired of all the comparisons. The movie star in the magazine only looks that way for one reason..

Adobe Photoshop.

Because the reality is..the sex is not always amazing, and 2 days post baby I looked a little like the lady from the movie The Exorcist. (google it, it's UBER scary) I spend more time with my hands in dirty dish water than at a salon, the last time I shaved my legs was in a month that ended with "er", I eat too much when I'm upset (insert a mental picture of Amber shoveling chips down her gullet at rapid rates) and sometimes at night I cannot wait for my children to GET TO BED ALREADY!!


I met a lady on Saturday who was legally blind in one eye, her eyes did not track in the same directions..she was refreshingly honest and frank with me as we discussed the best way to capture her portrait. The thing is..when she smiled, both her eyes tracked the same direction..or at least it looked like they did.

It moved me, tears pricked and I saw the woman she once was in her eyes.

For those few moments she forgot about the lie, she knew she was beautiful, worth something, special, unique, not a mistake...fearfully and wonderfully made.

Really dear reader, there is not much that can compare to that kind of beauty.

One of my favorites from the day..NOT retouched.

I before E except after C (and sometimes Y)

If you were a child of the 80's you might remember the Tootsie Pop commercials..

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??" Asked the deep voiced narrator.

"The world may never know." Was his own dramatic response.

When I get an idea for a blog post I see myself a bit like the wise owl. Me, sitting on my perch in blog land with a fancy hat (ok, really I'm sitting in a broken IKEA chair, wearing Sponge Bob pajama pants and a child's knitted cap) thinking myself very clever.

I sit down to write with the very best intellectual intentions..

I will for once in my life make no spelling errors.

Correct grammar

I will spell alot the correct way, a lot. Figure out the whole you're vs. your thing.

I won't use too many dot dot dots (......)

And I will re read the dang post like 55 MILLION times to make sure that it actually makes sense..you know..flows and all.

Then I start licking, I mean writing.

It feels good. It makes my heart beat faster, my fingers fly over the slick Mac keyboard and I unload a pretty big piece of my soul.

By the end I really could care less about how many licks it's going to take, I just want to get to that sweet chocolaty middle.

Hitting the publish post button.

I try and correct it, really I do. I have good intentions. I'm a pretty smart lady. After I have read it over 5 thousand times, all the words starttoruntogether and I'm just so so so focused on the prize in the middle, everything else does not matter.

So please dear reader (and any book publishers out there), forgive my grammar/spelling/use of not real words and too many dot dot dot (...) errors.

You think the wise owl was impatient?

I like to think of him as a creative genius that would not be held back by a sticky sweet jailer.

Mommy Mondays

This week for Mommy Monday I'm interviewing my sis. (no tissue needed for this post)(I emotionally can't handle two tear jerker posts in a row!) Johnna is mommy to FIVE kiddos. Her and her hubs live in a sweet, modest home in Oregon. She has chosen to stay at home with her babes. Raising five kiddos on a good but not huge salary is not always the easiest thing to do, she rocks it, makes it look easy.

This week Johnna is going to let us in on one of her thrifty secrets, the oh-so hot trend of extreme couponing. Truthfully peeps, I have not bought into the the whole couponing thing, maybe she can convince us all:)

Tell me about how you got into this whole crazy coupon gig?

Last fall I noticed the cost of everything going up and not just food. My weekly Winco bill was about 30 dollars more than it had been previously and I was buying the same things. My Costco bill was insane! So I started to meal plan, that alone cut my food bill almost in half. I have a good friend that is a couponer, she would drag me out to get a few of the really good deals like 20 boxes of oatmeal for 5 bucks. Finally I called her up and said, "Okay I'm in. Where do I begin?" she took me under her wing and started teaching me the ropes. I'm very thankful for her.

Is it hard to do?

YES....at first. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around it. Honestly I never thought I would

understand it. The first month I called my friend a lot and asked her all sorts of stupid questions. There are several blogs out there that do the work for you but I wanted to learn without the blogs. It took many hours the first month but now... I'm a pro :)

What about embarrassing?? (of course I'm going to ask that!) The first time, were you like.. "I'm sorry I'm buying 134 boxes of cereal..here are my 134 coupons..don't stare!" Are people rude??

Embarrassing really? You're asking ME that :) I have done WAY more embarrassing things than handing a checker some coupons for cereal. I've never really cared what people thought of me and that's not always a good thing....

Mostly people are intrigued and ask how I do it.

Ok honestly..do you really save money? Is it worth all the hassle?

The first month you do not save money, in fact you spend more building your coupon stock. You run around from store to store and it's frustrating and it made me grumpy. This is not everyones experience, but it was mine. Thank God I had a friend to help me. Give yourself a chance to learn. Once it clicks and you figure out the couponing system that works best for you, you will save TONS of money.

What was your best deal EVER.

There are two that stick out in my mind, the first one was just last week.

55 bottles of Loreal vive pro. shampoo and conditioner for FREE! Retail they are about 3.50 each. Will I use that much shampoo and conditioner? YES! I have very long hair and 4 girls.

The other deal was a few months ago. I got...

9 bags of rold gold pretzels

2 loaves of wheat bread

9 boxes of hefty gallon freezer bags

9 cans of starkist tuna

5 boxes of healthy harvest whole wheat pasta

8 tubs of crescent rolls

5 boxes of fruity snacks

all for 5 dollars!

Some products I don't normally buy and some products truthfully are just plain bad for you. However I always have more than just my kids around the house, I can't afford to feed them all organic cheeses and sprouted crackers. So I buy what I call "filler food" for all the kiddos who are at my house....all the time :)

Ok, lets say you totally convinced me..where should I start? What do you do?

Start by buying a Sunday paper, lots of them!! I buy 5-10 papers each week depending on what coupons are coming.

EVERYONE who knows me knows that I am NOT a computer person. I have only 1 couponing site that I really LOVE, it's called Fabulessly Frugal. They post all the deals, their site is super easy to navigate and they have a killer DVD you can order to teach you the all the basics of couponing. I have it, I love it, if you REALLY want to get couponing order the DVD it will save you tons of time.

There are a lot of other sites out there, I just don't have the time to sit and check 10 different couponing sites.

What do you think about the new show on TV?? Does it make what you do easier or harder?

I have not seen the new TLC show because we don't have cable. (tv is bad for the brain) However, I did read that some of ladies on the show were being scandalous and using expired coupons and clearing shelves. This is bad coupon etiquette, those are the types of things that give couponers a bad name. Remember it is a TV show and things are not always as they seem.

I think because of the show and because food is getting so much more expensive, people will start to couponing and that will make the shelves clear out faster.

However it's a little like the roller derby recruiter told me,

"Many will try, few succeed."

I sucked at roller derby so now I'm a couponer.

Whoot! Whoot!!

Mommy Mondays

Welcome!
Three years ago I stared a little tradition here on my blog of interviewing a few Mom's in honor of Mothers Day. Gotta tell ya, it's has slowly turned into one of my favorite things about my blog. This year's line up is JUST as amazing as the past!
I was all over the board this year and am super excited about the interviews. If you would like to look at past interviews just click on the year on the side bar and the month of May, they should all be listed under Mommy Monday.

When I sat down to write out this interview I realized how long I've known Nina..like for a super long time!! (for the sake of both of our ages..lets just say it's been over 20 years) We have never been super close, but our lives have always been connected by family and friends.

Nina currently lives in Virgina with her hubby Christian and two kiddos, Naomi and Caleb. They own Health and Wholeness wellness studio. Nina enjoys handing out punishment in the form of boot camps and something called pump classes ;-) She has always been one of those rare persons who brightens up a room just by walking in, she truly is beautiful inside and out.

Girl! Thanks so much for being part of Mommy Monday! Let's start by talking a little bit about your childhood and more specifically, your Mom and her accident.

The summer right before my 6^th grade year my mother got in a near fatal car accident. She spent a month in a coma at Harborview in Seattle and the doctors told my father that she had a 3% chance of survival, and if she did, she would be a “vegetable” her entire life. Her progress astounded everyone. She eventually woke up, re-learned how to walk and do every day tasks. However, the accident left her a brain damaged woman with the mental abilities of a 5 year old, reliant on drugs to control her impulses and unable to think logically about the world around her.

I know it's a bit of an obvious question, but tell me how the accident impacted you at such a young age?

My first response when I hear that question makes me remember the moment I started my period at age 11. Mom was still in the hospital which left me crying on the bathroom floor with out a mom to talk to…embarrassed alone and needy.

I hated feeling needy. I was the oldest of four and my most responsible self told my heart to grow up and be the mom that my siblings didn’t have.

In hindsight, I realize that the most damaging lie that I believed throughout this experience was that I had to be strong, and that allowing myself to feel pain and sorrow was weak and counter productive. This certainly is not the gospel, and didn’t serve me as well as one would hope. Another thing that I learned was that a great way to mask sadness is business, and no one was better at being busy in high school than I was. My home environment was such a mess, and mom’s mood was always so unpredictable and hard to deal with, so I basically engrossed myself in every activity I could in order to avoid my family. I still struggle with busyness and accomplishments as validation of my self worth, I see that now.

However the hardest part of all of this, I would say, was mourning the loss of a mother in the presence of a person who was still my mother. This concept at such a young age was impossible for me. Her personality and role as a mom died in that accident, she was a shell of what she once was, leaving her with a body and mind barely capable of caring for herself much less four children…yet she wasn’t dead, and after all, she was still my mother.

If I remember correctly there were times that your Mom lived with you at home and all seemed ok, but I also remember the first time I saw your Mom as a homeless woman.

My parents got a divorce the year I graduated from high school. My mom skipped around various group homes and mental health institutions, and even into different relationships (none of which have been healthy as you can imagine).

After I moved away, I didn’t pay attention to what was going on, nor was I very good at staying in touch. I remember visiting home after a few years from my new home in California. No one had heard from my mom for months or knew where she was living. She had been kicked out of a group home and apparently was staying with a friend (who himself was brain damaged), but mostly on the streets. I remember the tremendous guilt and sadness I felt in my stomach while driving through my old home town, thinking any minute I would see my mom, hunched over at a bus stop staying dry from the rain, hungry and unkept.

Then I saw her. Standing alone on a side walk, in a large messy sweatshirt. I remember getting out of the car and greeting her with a hug. After asking dumb questions like “how are you?” and “what have you been up to?” I stood there feeling utterly helpless. There was nothing I could do for her.

Right before my Mom died I have this memory, she was actually home when I got home from school. The house was clean, dinner was cooking and I was just so happy to have her around. Do you have a favorite memory about your Mom, like a time when the world felt right?

I love this question. Before the accident my mom ran a day care. A bunch of us kids were doing crafts at the kitchen table and my mom came around the corner with a laundry basket and was singing. She looked directly at me and smiled. I have no idea why this memory stands out, but in it she looks so vibrant and beautiful in my mind. Also the smell of trident gum and corn huskers lotion or aqua net (hey, it was the 80’s!) and fresh baked bread all take me to her face, if I close my eyes I can see her big brown and pure eyes.

Let's fast forward..here is where you and I loose touch, you get out of our small town, head to school, do a little work in showbiz/modeling/trying to become rich and famous..find a hottie hubby, marry and are now attempting to live happily ever after, then comes the wee babe.

What were your feelings when you knew you would be bringing babes into such a world of uncertainty. Did you have a moment of.."Crap, I have a bunch of emotional baggage and fear I'm bringing into this..what am I going to do?

I remember the week Naomi was born, my first child and baby girl. I was sitting in my living room, holding her in my arms, just us two. I remember looking at her little angle face, so peaceful while I was sobbing as waves of inadequacy gripped my heart. Thoughts like “who am I to raise a little girl into a woman when I never had any one show me how?” circled round and round in my mind…and it still does sometimes.

Of course all of us are shaped by our childhoods, and we all parent accordingly, what are you thankful for now as a parent about your childhood?

I always felt safe as a child, in my home, with my friends and in my freedom to make choices for myself. I always knew I was loved by my parents and even with its dysfunction ,I had a place to call home. I was also raised in a Christian family and the knowledge that God was near to the broken hearted always brought me comfort. To this day my mothers verse is “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I know God is not done with her yet, and I cling to the hope that I will one day be a part of helping my mother get truly healthy and completing her healing journey.

It seems to me that God truly blessed you with an amazing hubby! And that he has a VERY supportive and loving family that came along with (bonus!). Tell me a little bit about that..

It is true, my husbands family is incredible. My husband Christian is the oldest of four children, and my age falls just between his two younger sisters, both of whom I adore. We do holidays and birthdays well, and Christmas is a week long event, but most importantly we are each others support system. Our Wellness business wouldn’t be what it is with out his family’s valuable help (literally, we have a photographer, a web designer, a carpenter, a pilates instructor and a babysitter with in arms reach, all willing for a few home made meals , and hugs!)

Ok fun question time..tell me about your perfect day.

In leu of the season I am in right now (a bit unbalanced in terms of the work/rest ratio) My perfect day is one that involves being truly present in every interaction with my children and my amazing husband… there is not a to-do list running through the back of our minds, or a messy house for that matter!…that perfect day involves a trip to Starbucks, flip flops and finger paints, Whole Foods Salad bar, sunshine, white sand and blue water, a good book…and a great-work out to earn all the relaxing...

And perhaps receiving a card or note from my mom in the mail. She likes to draw, and this particular card would have clouds and mountains on it, things she always draws when she is in a happy state of mind, and I would be reminded that if His eyes are on the sparrow, certainly His eyes are on His child, my mama.