The List...

In an attempt to keep going with my current life theme of,

"Things you might do in public, only to regret later."

I dedicate this list to dumb arsed silly things people do in front of millions (or maybe 10 blog readers) then later regret.

You are welcome.

10. Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift at the VMA's a few years back.

You just looked like a big fat meanie. Poor Taylor.



9. Zac Efron dropping a condom on the red carpet...of a CHILDREN'S MOVIE.

Ooops.

(for the record I miss the sticky sweet days of HSM and Troy)


8. Tom Cruise on Oprah's sofa.

Imagine doing something so embarrassing that people name it after you, like..

"Now don't go all Tom Cruise on me, get down from the sofa."

7. Jonah

(taking it waaaay back) (the guy swallowed by a whale)

Imagine having to stand up in front of a ship full of sea sick men, and admitting.. "yes, the storm that we are currently caught in?? All. My. Fault. Sorry bout' that. Not sure why I thought I could run from the Creator of the UNIVERSE."

6. My first President.. Mr. Clinton.

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

Dang that blue dress.

Source: piccsy.com via Amber on Pinterest

5. Anthony Weiner

Seriously the first time I read about Mr. Weiner (pronouced wi-ner, for the record) I thought maybe the story was a joke.. or a SNL skit..

A politician accidently tweeting a picture of his weiner, with a last name of Weiner.. really??

I mean it's just too good.. the guy was doomed.. just imagine what he had to endure in middle school.

4. Harold Camping (guy who predicted the end of the world)

Believe me buddy I was rooting for you.. I would sooo much rather be chilling in heaven right now because my laundry pile is HUGE..

3. Just recently.. Angelina's leg dress.



Somedays you gotta feel sorry for movie stars.

When you or I make a bad fashion decision only about 10 people might see it.. your kiddos, the gossipy mommies at school, your hubby. Last weekend I ventured out in a huge oversized sweater, ugg boots accompanied by sweat pants.. for some strange reason, my picture did not go viral. Weird.

2. Public figures getting caught with just about anybody and everybody BESIDES their spouse/gf/bf yougetmypoint.

This is just plain common sense, I can get a tracking device for my chicken.. and you think you can sneak around with the hot nanny that your wife should have never hired.

1. Blog posting late at night when you are emotional.

(and you have already emotionally eaten all the chips) (and the next day you get a bunch of phone calls/messages from people thinking your last blog post might have been about them)(I know better than to be passive aggressive, why do I NOT learn?!)

There are people in this world who are really really careful with their emotions (actually I'm married to one of those), these (weirdo) types slow down, take note, think a whole bunch before they speak/write/respond.

Then there is me.

Mostly everything I just listed would be the opposite of me. I'm horribly reactionary, equally as neurotic and desperately passionate. I'm a little bit of a mess at any given time, and always disgusted with my own humanity (in a very narcissistic way) (holy cow, I need to see my therapist).

This space is a funny balance of sharing enough to be transparent and honest (which is why I even write) along with trying not to be offensive and polarizing.

My blog is a pretty good indicator of what I'm currently walking through in life, my hope is that as I blog it out it will make more sense to me.. (which it often does). In keeping with my theme of being a narcissistic blogger, it really is almost always not about you dear reader.. but rather me. (sorry)

PLUS... this is JUST a blog.. about nothing really. Gazillions of people have mediocre blogs (yay us!) I'm only one girl with a bit of an overinflated view of self, a keyboard and too many words jumbling around in the noggin (oh and I want a book deal).. thats it, no more.

Lesson about passive aggressive blog posts learned..again..here is to hoping this time it sticks.

Because..

sometimes you just might write a blog post in a moment of weakness.

That moment when you are tired and just may have emotionally eaten all the chips in the house.

So instead of that post sitting at the top of your pretty little blog page you just might put up some random post about oh..I don't know..

Unicorns.

Because we all know that looking at unicorns makes us feel better than a rantish type post written by an overly dramatic, emotional eater.

(Cue unicorn pic's)

Source: weheartit.com via Kelly on Pinterest

Source: imgfave.com via Danielle on Pinterest

Source: staygucci.tumblr.com via Kaitlyn on Pinterest

Source: wolfandwillowblog.com via Szandy on Pinterest

**Most days I can't believe they allow me to live in normal society**

Toxic

Source: brooklynmutt.com via Amber on Pinterest

(although..by writing this post I'm not remaining too silent, now am I?)

I have this funny little allergy to the weed killer Round-Up.

This first time I noticed it I was in my early 20's, it was at a neighborhood clean-up day. I was acting all neighborly and thinking I was pretty dang awesome when the itching started.

It normally starts on my arms, just a small little itch, really it's not soo bothersome at all. It spreads to my hands, neck then I get a little tickle in the back of my throat and I have to clear my throat..almost like I have a nervous tick or something.

It's not a very severe reaction at all, however I have never used it long enough to test my luck... I can usually spot it pretty quickly when someone is using Round-Up and I get away from it...

LIKE FAR AWAY.

I mean the stuff is poison.. toxic.

If I had been out there spraying essential oils and distilled water I'm pretty dang sure I would not have gotten the itchies.

Sometimes I think we meet people like this...

(spray people? itchy people? essential oil people? Where are you going with this Amber?!!??)

(stay with me)

You might be going along your day.. being all neighborly, driving your mini-van, drinking too much sbux and suddenly you notice you're itchy.

Ok, maybe you don't itch.. maybe its that funny feeling in your gut.. you might get a rather odd phone call.. or a message via facebook that just does not seem to sit right....

Then it builds and next thing you know you are scratching at your neck, clearing your throat and find yourself in the middle of a rather toxic relationship with a rather toxic person (or persons).. poisoning everything they touch.

There is a reason they keep the Round-Up in a special section at Lowes.. you know AWAY from all the LIVING plants.

Because... poison can't really co-mingle with something that is alive.. flourishing.. those two don't match.. can't match.. impossible.

I guess dear reader as I get older I need to start trusting that itch a tad sooner. You might call it your gut instinct, I say it's my Creator quietly (because He is a gentleman and all) tapping..

"Tap, tap Amber.. this is bad.. move away.." the voice quietly says.

"Naw!! Really it's ok..I can rise above it..it won't effect me.. I'm so much stronger than that!!"
(yes, my narcissism even plays into my conversations with Christ)

So what do you do when you look around and suddenly find yourself in the middle of the toxic isle at Lowe's?

Why you drop that poison, turn around and get the heck out of there.. fast.

We all have seen how fast it works..how quickly it spreads.. from one person to another and before you even know it, entire lives are destroyed.. it's a rather nasty bit of business.

So here I am.. tapping it out via my mac, late, so deeply irritated with myself, my lack of faith, my all too humanness getting the best of me once again.. oh fortheloveofpete when will I get it right and just listen.

Because I'm reminded (again) that I'm not responsible for another persons poison.. just my own.

"In the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

Dr. Kent M. Keith

The List...

Source: flickr.com via Amber on Pinterest

10. Sunday morning on i-90 the words returned. So much so I could have pulled my smokin-hot mini van over and wrote. Road trips coupled with mournful music is a salve to my weary soul.

9. Valentines Day.
How do you write negatively about the red rose drenched abyss that is this holiday without sounding bitter? It's impossible I tell you. I'm not bitter about V-Day (although I'm pretty sure Zach is) really I'm not. Every year it's a struggle for me.. am I alone in the conflict of guilt because it's so forced mixed with the disappointment of him actually believing me when I say something like, "Don't worry about Valentine's this year..really I don't need a thing."

It's enough to cause run on sentences and way too many (.....) in a blog post..oh wait most things cause run on sentences and (....) in my blog posts..darn.

Why is a woman's heart so fickle? It even makes ME crazy..I can't imagine being married to myself.. poor Zach.

8. Nothing says.."SUCK IT!" to your ex quite like winning 5 bazillion Grammy's. Do you think the guy that dumped her is going to ask for royalties?? If ever there was a picture of pain birthing amazing art...



7. Speaking of the Grammy's... Chris Brown? After he beat Rihanna a few years ago prior to the show?

Seriously SUCH a feminist double standard here.. sure sure we are all for empowering women..

but Chris Brown is a good dancer, so we will look the other way.

What are we teaching our daughters?

Disgusting.

6. I guess you guys don't like posts about me peeing myself..I will make a mental note of that for next time I get the urge to share too much information about bodily functions.

5. The past few weeks I have witnessed like the most UGLY behavior via facebook.. so nasty. In our schools we have all this awareness for social media bullying.. I think some of the MOMS (and Grandma's too!) should take those classes.
The most ironic thing about facebook disagreements is that 99% of them would never take place in real life. Why do we feel so much braver when typing words onto a screen rather than saying them to an actual real live person?

Oh I know.. because it takes all the traits that are opposite of being a bully to have that kind of conversation.

Thus continues the love/hate relationship that defines facebook...

4. I have been struggling with reality lately. You know the constant grind that is daily life? I'm a tad over it.

My gypsy heart taunts me from the corner..

"You are becoming boring Amber"..the mocking words plague me.

My consultation prize is the Strehle kiddo's.. and the (occasional) peace that comes from knowing that our lives are made up of seasons.

3. OH MY STARS.... Mumford + Awake my Soul in French = True Love.

(seriously they have chops.. amazing)

Mumford & Sons - The Banjolin Song / Awake my soul - A Take Away Show #105 from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

2. You can say all the sticky sweet words about friendship you would like..but truthfully deep/dear/lasting friendships are born that moment when you really really mess up and another person forgives you in spite of your total ugly self.

That is friendship.

1. Dear Summer-

Last year I'm not sure if you remember, but you were a tad late in arriving. I don't mean to be rude or to speak out of turn, but I sure would love it if you tried to be a little bit more prompt this year. You are more than welcome to show up BEFORE the 4th July. We have room for you here at Roosevelt house and would welcome you with arms wide open. Our BBQ is starting to get lonely, my body aches for the feeling of too much sun, laughter, crisp white wine, bluest of skies and blooming phlox.

Your biggest fan,
Amber

What WAS running down Xtina's leg?? (an ode to my children)

I'm sorry Christina, sweat?

I'm pretty sure you peed yourself.

We are sick here at Roosevelt house.

Yesterday my dear sweet daughter said,

"Mom, why do you cross your legs every time you sneeze?"

I replied..

"Because you were 11lbs. 4oz when you were born." (insert blank stare here)

Christina...

I'm a mother, you're a mother. I know your pain. You were trying your very best to hit that super high (or maybe it was low) note and oops..didn't see that coming now did you??

Me either.

In fact there are a LOT of things I did not see coming before that fateful day I became a Mother.. things like..

Not sleeping..EVER.
Having perpetual bags under your eyes from the not-sleeping part.
Perky breasts...just JOKING.
Trampolines + women with weak bladders = a mess.
The terrible 2's are hard, 3's suck as well.
You will live in a perpetual state of embarrassment... If it's not pee running down your leg, then it's pee running down your child's leg.. in the middle of Nordstrom..while talking to your ex-boyfriend and his new wife..that is a model..now channel that feeling times 10.
Mini-vans will suddenly make perfect sense..even look a bit sexy.
Coffee (or ANY brown stimulating liquid) taking on an almost God like status in your life.
Crying.. you, them, anyone with in shouting distance of you and them.. it happens..a lot.

BUT..(always with the but)

For all the hard harsh realities that is parenthood, there is joy. Not just any joy either, but the profound joy you find in watching something you love more than anything else on this earth grow up, mature, make mistakes, dream big, succeed and navigate this funny, funny thing we call life.

It's a little bit of a marvel..pee running down my legs and all.

Strehle children, sometimes I want to poke my own eyes out with a red hot fire poker.. but mostly I love you more than you will ever know.