Toxic

Source: brooklynmutt.com via Amber on Pinterest

(although..by writing this post I'm not remaining too silent, now am I?)

I have this funny little allergy to the weed killer Round-Up.

This first time I noticed it I was in my early 20's, it was at a neighborhood clean-up day. I was acting all neighborly and thinking I was pretty dang awesome when the itching started.

It normally starts on my arms, just a small little itch, really it's not soo bothersome at all. It spreads to my hands, neck then I get a little tickle in the back of my throat and I have to clear my throat..almost like I have a nervous tick or something.

It's not a very severe reaction at all, however I have never used it long enough to test my luck... I can usually spot it pretty quickly when someone is using Round-Up and I get away from it...

LIKE FAR AWAY.

I mean the stuff is poison.. toxic.

If I had been out there spraying essential oils and distilled water I'm pretty dang sure I would not have gotten the itchies.

Sometimes I think we meet people like this...

(spray people? itchy people? essential oil people? Where are you going with this Amber?!!??)

(stay with me)

You might be going along your day.. being all neighborly, driving your mini-van, drinking too much sbux and suddenly you notice you're itchy.

Ok, maybe you don't itch.. maybe its that funny feeling in your gut.. you might get a rather odd phone call.. or a message via facebook that just does not seem to sit right....

Then it builds and next thing you know you are scratching at your neck, clearing your throat and find yourself in the middle of a rather toxic relationship with a rather toxic person (or persons).. poisoning everything they touch.

There is a reason they keep the Round-Up in a special section at Lowes.. you know AWAY from all the LIVING plants.

Because... poison can't really co-mingle with something that is alive.. flourishing.. those two don't match.. can't match.. impossible.

I guess dear reader as I get older I need to start trusting that itch a tad sooner. You might call it your gut instinct, I say it's my Creator quietly (because He is a gentleman and all) tapping..

"Tap, tap Amber.. this is bad.. move away.." the voice quietly says.

"Naw!! Really it's ok..I can rise above it..it won't effect me.. I'm so much stronger than that!!"
(yes, my narcissism even plays into my conversations with Christ)

So what do you do when you look around and suddenly find yourself in the middle of the toxic isle at Lowe's?

Why you drop that poison, turn around and get the heck out of there.. fast.

We all have seen how fast it works..how quickly it spreads.. from one person to another and before you even know it, entire lives are destroyed.. it's a rather nasty bit of business.

So here I am.. tapping it out via my mac, late, so deeply irritated with myself, my lack of faith, my all too humanness getting the best of me once again.. oh fortheloveofpete when will I get it right and just listen.

Because I'm reminded (again) that I'm not responsible for another persons poison.. just my own.

"In the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

Dr. Kent M. Keith

The List...

Source: flickr.com via Amber on Pinterest

10. Sunday morning on i-90 the words returned. So much so I could have pulled my smokin-hot mini van over and wrote. Road trips coupled with mournful music is a salve to my weary soul.

9. Valentines Day.
How do you write negatively about the red rose drenched abyss that is this holiday without sounding bitter? It's impossible I tell you. I'm not bitter about V-Day (although I'm pretty sure Zach is) really I'm not. Every year it's a struggle for me.. am I alone in the conflict of guilt because it's so forced mixed with the disappointment of him actually believing me when I say something like, "Don't worry about Valentine's this year..really I don't need a thing."

It's enough to cause run on sentences and way too many (.....) in a blog post..oh wait most things cause run on sentences and (....) in my blog posts..darn.

Why is a woman's heart so fickle? It even makes ME crazy..I can't imagine being married to myself.. poor Zach.

8. Nothing says.."SUCK IT!" to your ex quite like winning 5 bazillion Grammy's. Do you think the guy that dumped her is going to ask for royalties?? If ever there was a picture of pain birthing amazing art...



7. Speaking of the Grammy's... Chris Brown? After he beat Rihanna a few years ago prior to the show?

Seriously SUCH a feminist double standard here.. sure sure we are all for empowering women..

but Chris Brown is a good dancer, so we will look the other way.

What are we teaching our daughters?

Disgusting.

6. I guess you guys don't like posts about me peeing myself..I will make a mental note of that for next time I get the urge to share too much information about bodily functions.

5. The past few weeks I have witnessed like the most UGLY behavior via facebook.. so nasty. In our schools we have all this awareness for social media bullying.. I think some of the MOMS (and Grandma's too!) should take those classes.
The most ironic thing about facebook disagreements is that 99% of them would never take place in real life. Why do we feel so much braver when typing words onto a screen rather than saying them to an actual real live person?

Oh I know.. because it takes all the traits that are opposite of being a bully to have that kind of conversation.

Thus continues the love/hate relationship that defines facebook...

4. I have been struggling with reality lately. You know the constant grind that is daily life? I'm a tad over it.

My gypsy heart taunts me from the corner..

"You are becoming boring Amber"..the mocking words plague me.

My consultation prize is the Strehle kiddo's.. and the (occasional) peace that comes from knowing that our lives are made up of seasons.

3. OH MY STARS.... Mumford + Awake my Soul in French = True Love.

(seriously they have chops.. amazing)

Mumford & Sons - The Banjolin Song / Awake my soul - A Take Away Show #105 from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

2. You can say all the sticky sweet words about friendship you would like..but truthfully deep/dear/lasting friendships are born that moment when you really really mess up and another person forgives you in spite of your total ugly self.

That is friendship.

1. Dear Summer-

Last year I'm not sure if you remember, but you were a tad late in arriving. I don't mean to be rude or to speak out of turn, but I sure would love it if you tried to be a little bit more prompt this year. You are more than welcome to show up BEFORE the 4th July. We have room for you here at Roosevelt house and would welcome you with arms wide open. Our BBQ is starting to get lonely, my body aches for the feeling of too much sun, laughter, crisp white wine, bluest of skies and blooming phlox.

Your biggest fan,
Amber

What WAS running down Xtina's leg?? (an ode to my children)

I'm sorry Christina, sweat?

I'm pretty sure you peed yourself.

We are sick here at Roosevelt house.

Yesterday my dear sweet daughter said,

"Mom, why do you cross your legs every time you sneeze?"

I replied..

"Because you were 11lbs. 4oz when you were born." (insert blank stare here)

Christina...

I'm a mother, you're a mother. I know your pain. You were trying your very best to hit that super high (or maybe it was low) note and oops..didn't see that coming now did you??

Me either.

In fact there are a LOT of things I did not see coming before that fateful day I became a Mother.. things like..

Not sleeping..EVER.
Having perpetual bags under your eyes from the not-sleeping part.
Perky breasts...just JOKING.
Trampolines + women with weak bladders = a mess.
The terrible 2's are hard, 3's suck as well.
You will live in a perpetual state of embarrassment... If it's not pee running down your leg, then it's pee running down your child's leg.. in the middle of Nordstrom..while talking to your ex-boyfriend and his new wife..that is a model..now channel that feeling times 10.
Mini-vans will suddenly make perfect sense..even look a bit sexy.
Coffee (or ANY brown stimulating liquid) taking on an almost God like status in your life.
Crying.. you, them, anyone with in shouting distance of you and them.. it happens..a lot.

BUT..(always with the but)

For all the hard harsh realities that is parenthood, there is joy. Not just any joy either, but the profound joy you find in watching something you love more than anything else on this earth grow up, mature, make mistakes, dream big, succeed and navigate this funny, funny thing we call life.

It's a little bit of a marvel..pee running down my legs and all.

Strehle children, sometimes I want to poke my own eyes out with a red hot fire poker.. but mostly I love you more than you will ever know.

I hate it when that happens..

Source: flickr.com via Amber on Pinterest

The noggin has decided it needs a break..this often happens after a period of major growth for me.

Major period of growth...check.

Brain not giving up any cheeky words..check.

Me loosing sleep the last two nights and starting like 50 million blog posts but not coming up with anything..check.

Be back soon..promise.

The List...

It was a magical week around Roosevelt House.

LOVE this.

10. PANIC!!!!!! The rain turned to SNOW and we all need to find the tallest hill in our general vicinity, drive down it, crash in the ditch and just leave our car there until the snow melts.

I do love me a good western Washington snow storm..this witty post is being brought to you by..

SNOWMAGEDDON 2012

9. Back in the days of me reproducing at such a rapid rate I sure wish someone would have pulled me aside and said, "Amber, not only will your boobs sag for the rest of your life, but you will have to put snow clothes on and off of FOUR children everysingletime it snows."

Snow clothing for the 4 Strehle kiddos is like me taking on a second job..

This year was different though, I only had one little guy to help out and it made me a wee sad.

(the current state of my breasts makes me sad as well, but I buy undergarments to that fix that..growing kiddos? No fix for that) (How many other writers do you know that can tie breasts, snow pants and children all together?? It takes skills dear reader..skills I tell ya.)

8. I will not lie. I'm in LOVE with Pinterest. Who are these people that keep inventing social media must-haves that become complete and udder time suckers, that unknowingly forever change our lives??? I've long had a magazine fetish (I think most creatives do) and Pinterest is like your favorite magazine times 1000, straight to your computer..everysingleday.

7. I'm in LOVE with this image..

(via The Sartorialist)

Now..admittedly I could/would/should not (see#9) wear this while shooting.. BUT to me this just reenforces my belief that what we wear is such an extension of who we are. My BFF Scott Schuman interviewed her about this outfit..she expresses her belief about why she wears what she wears beautifully. Check it out here.

6. Why do us mothers have such a hard time with the notion we actually deserve to dress nice??Does it make you feel selfish and or shallow to think about clothing and MAC lipstick?? Our daily reality is more often the velour sweat-suit rather than the black skinny jeans..but looking nice is nothing to be ashamed about.. ever.

(stepping off soap-box now)

5. Republican primaries..UGH...just hurry and be over already.

4. When the snow started melting I could not help but think of spring..yes I know it's a long way off, but the melting snow has oh-so many metaphors.. I do love me some new beginnings.

3. Favorite iphone photo ever..


Lights up at the Mumford show..me singing along with a bazillion other peeps, sexiest jogger hubby nestled tightly behind me..moved me to tears I tell ya.

2. Have you ever noticed that most beautiful work/amazing art/life changing words almost always come from great pain? Our humanity can birth beautiful things, but it never really comes easily.

1. Some might call this narcissistic or as sexiest jogger in all the land husband said (insert sarcastic tone here), "Sure Amber, God made that huge snow storm that shut down the entire western side of our state and cost businesses thousands of dollars just for you." But that is what Snowmageddon felt like to me. A gift just for me. We have had a crazy, blessed, rough, busy, awesome, scary, just plain out of control 4 months..then..nothing..like a forced by nature nothing. No one coming or going just a beautiful white silence. One day when the power was out, me plus the 4 Strehle kiddos were all cuddled up on the sofa.. together, nothing electronic, no one fighting, no where to be, warm, cozy.. perfection.

Letting go....

My first (and only) horse was named Breezy... he was a rascally looking appaloosa pony.

I was sooo that awkward young 80's girl who talked of nothing other than ponies and Black Stallion books.

Even though the world might not have seen my potential, I saw myself as a great english rider in the making (not the mousy, unkept 7 year old that I really was). Jodhpurs, hair in a bun.. I would some how pick up an english accent and put all the other girls to shame.

My father had a much different idea, raised on a very remote ranch in Oregon in the 50's, he was a cowboy.. (like for reals) and only yellowed bellied sissy's rode with pretty hair and proper dressage.

For my inaugural ride, he (being the cowboy that he was) gave me a leg up on that bare backed head strong pony, with only a halter and a lead rope for reigns, slapped Breezey on the arse and sent us both galloping off across the field.

I was 7, and the stage had officially been set for an unhealthy horse and rider relationship.

One day while riding, above mentioned head strong pony decided he wanted to stop and visit with the other horses across the fence. No amount of my kicking, pulling, yanking, kicking more, slapping on the rump, again with the kicking, was going to move him..in fact, in one quick movement he decided to JUMP the fence. (I think he forgot about me...you know being on his back and all.)

In that one swift movement I went from in control (or so I thought) to galloping across a 10 acre field with 8 other horses.

It was the first time in my life that I felt complete helplessness.

As the world spun out of control, no amount of kicking, pulling, crying, yelling, you know.. fighting the inevitable, would change it.

I knew deep down in my 7 year old wisdom that I could not stop that run-away pony.

So I let go.

Today, dear reader I find myself in a season of letting go.

When I released those reigns years ago, I was shocked, an unexpected emotion flooded over me..

FREEDOM.

The freedom of not holding on so tight, not raising my voice (no one was listening regardless)..freedom of knowing I was only responsible for myself once again.. (we are after all, only accountable for one).

I won't lie and tell you that there was no pain involved..but now as I look back, I wonder if it would not have been so painful if I had just not held on so tight.. maybe released the reigns sooner..

Besides, there is a beautiful thing that happens when we let go..a funny little space between release and the freedom we all so desperately seek...

faith.

Putting the reigns back into the hands of my Creator and

letting go.

Balance

I've been trying to write a 2011 recap for the past week..

It's just not happening, while there are short spurts of witty Amberish humor, it feels forced and disingenuous.. not a fan.

So instead we will just move right along into the New Year.

2012

The year of restoring balance.

You know when Christmas rolls around and you order an egg-nog latte everyday for like two months straight.. then suddenly you have gained 10lbs and can only wear that velour sweat-suit you promised yourself you would never wear?

No??

Oh.. thats never happened to me either... but let's just say I know a gal....

So, instead maybe this gal should have gotten like only one egg-nog latte a week, or even bi-weekly? (crazy thought!) She should have stuck with her normal not AS fattening drink on the off days in order to avoid the above mentioned sweat suit..

You know....

balance.

I woke up one morning during Christmas break (in my velour sweat suit) and realized that maybe... just maybe a few areas in my life had gotten a little out of balance.

My ideal balance..

God

Sexiest jogger in all the land husband

Children

Roosevelt House

My peeps

Dream Job

Philanthropy

Creative endeavors

I look at this list and it makes my tummy feel funny.. because my reality has not been this.

It's time to find balance again..

And maybe switch to decaf.

P.S.

I was TOTALLY joking about switching to decaf.. as if.

P.P.S

I know of a local coffee shop that serves egg-nog ALL YEAR LONG.. who wants to meet me??

Again..joking..balance..check..got it...right.