**Self loathing pity party post alert**

Do you remember your first best friend?

My first best friend was Angela. She was wonderful, she had long brown hair like mine, her Mom made the best EVER vegetarian lasagna and we could play for hours..dreaming of lands far away, fairies and various horses, including the much sought after unicorn. She loved to read and seemed oh so smart..genius really. She was simply perfect. I loved her unabashedly, with every fiber in my body.

It was a pure love, the kind only children have. Blind faith, no worries about the harm that may come in opening up your heart that much. She loved me back, I'm not sure if she loved me as much as I loved her, but it sure felt like it.

Then one day that innocence was gone..my Mom died, I changed schools, she changed schools, she had family issues, I had family issues..it would never be the same.

She came back to school our senior year. We had not seen each other in ages. Small towns don't really take to new students..you know..stranger in town and all.

I was a different person by then..arrogant, cliquish, thinking myself a much higher person than I really was. Suddenly I was too cool for Angela. I remember her walking up to me..me saying a few awkward words, her wanting to find that love and acceptance in my eyes..me worrying about what I looked like talking to her..she tagged along..but only for a while..remember she was smart and I'm sure she got the hint quickly.

Shame on me.

Today for what seems like the thousandth time I was hurt.
I'm tired of being hurt.
I'm tired of putting myself out there only to have my heart handed back to me. I don't like it one bit. It makes me want to be like Gollum and hold it close only for myself, hiss at anyone who comes within a 50 mile radius of me.
I'm sure it would be easier..never love..never loose love..that simple.

I want my friend Angela back. I want pure friendship again.

I'm going to go emotional eat now.