Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Letting go....



My first (and only) horse was named Breezy... he was a rascally looking appaloosa pony.

I was sooo that awkward young 80's girl who talked of nothing other than ponies and Black Stallion books.

Even though the world might not have seen my potential, I saw myself as a great english rider in the making (not the mousy, unkept 7 year old that I really was). Jodhpurs, hair in a bun.. I would some how pick up an english accent and put all the other girls to shame.

My father had a much different idea, raised on a very remote ranch in Oregon in the 50's, he was a cowboy.. (like for reals) and only yellowed bellied sissy's rode with pretty hair and proper dressage.

For my inaugural ride, he (being the cowboy that he was) gave me a leg up on that bare backed head strong pony, with only a halter and a lead rope for reigns, slapped Breezey on the arse and sent us both galloping off across the field.

I was 7, and the stage had officially been set for an unhealthy horse and rider relationship.

One day while riding, above mentioned head strong pony decided he wanted to stop and visit with the other horses across the fence. No amount of my kicking, pulling, yanking, kicking more, slapping on the rump, again with the kicking, was going to move him..in fact, in one quick movement he decided to JUMP the fence. (I think he forgot about me...you know being on his back and all.)

In that one swift movement I went from in control (or so I thought) to galloping across a 10 acre field with 8 other horses.

It was the first time in my life that I felt complete helplessness.

As the world spun out of control, no amount of kicking, pulling, crying, yelling, you know.. fighting the inevitable, would change it.

I knew deep down in my 7 year old wisdom that I could not stop that run-away pony.

So I let go.

Today, dear reader I find myself in a season of letting go.

When I released those reigns years ago, I was shocked, an unexpected emotion flooded over me..

FREEDOM.

The freedom of not holding on so tight, not raising my voice (no one was listening regardless)..freedom of knowing I was only responsible for myself once again.. (we are after all, only accountable for one).

I won't lie and tell you that there was no pain involved..but now as I look back, I wonder if it would not have been so painful if I had just not held on so tight.. maybe released the reigns sooner..

Besides, there is a beautiful thing that happens when we let go..a funny little space between release and the freedom we all so desperately seek...

faith.

Putting the reigns back into the hands of my Creator and

letting go.

7 comments:

Sheila said...

Beautiful! Wow! So much to ponder in this post.

Bella @Bellgetsreal said...

Great reminder

Auntie Joy said...

wow Amber,
That is deep, letting go is hard, but it really does get easier with practice. On a lighter note.. I thought while I was reading your post that when the pony jumped the fence, you were going to share your love for jumping fences...
xoxo

sarah said...

amber! i love this post, perhaps because i often need to learn to let go. But mostly because, i love your words: your comedic relief, your depth, your strong and wise voice. The way you just say what naturally comes to you without trying to be anything more or less. thank you for sharing!

GardenGirl said...

Thank you...

This is good.

Hug,
Deb

Junebug Furniture and Design said...

Very true, and so beautiful!

Thank you for the reminder.

xo Glad & Cel

Aunt Na said...

Very well put , I keep reminding myself that, I let go, then take it back and then let go again......been working on that one for many years.xo