Thursday, August 31, 2006

Don't hate me because.. I reproduce

Do you ever wonder what people are thinking when they say things to you?
Is it just because I have 4 kids people say the rudest things to me?
They also stare, am I that much of a freak show?
I distinctly remember after my 4th was born going to Costco. He must have been 3 weeks old, the twins were 5, princess Isabelle was 2ish. I am reaching in to get milk out of the cooler and the boys (big surprise) start wrestling on the floor and Isabelle starts to fuss. Now I have #4 in the baby Bjorn in front of me while I grab the "box" of milk. While I am grabbing the milk complete chaos ensues... Boys wrestling, sissy starting to cry because the boys are wrestling and I have a infant hanging off of me. When I look up and I am not exaggerating this.. like 10 people were all staring at me.
I don't get embarrassed very easy (anymore) but suddenly I was embarrassed. Why?
Why should I be ashamed? Just because I appear to have too much sex... The whole store seemed to hold it against me. They were all internally mocking my lack of self control.
Were my kids throwing a tantrum? Yelling? No they were just being kids. Since when did that become such a problem in our world. We can't pass judgment on anyone in our society, but bring one too many children into the world and you are a second class citizen.
My favorite things people have said to me as a breeder.

"Oh, I understand why your hair is gray."
"Weren't the twins enough?"
"Are you Catholic?"
"Can you please stop having children."
"Boy you sure get big during your pregnancies."
"When are you going to stop nursing"
"Do you know what causes pregnancy?"

Ok, many of us were raised in the same GenX era.
I sat through the same movies/lectures/classes that told me how we were ruining the rain forest and depleting our oceans by overpopulation. Do you think that I don't struggle with some of these same issues? Do you think that there are days that I don't feel bad about the amount of diapers we have contributed to landfills? Well, I do. Although it might just be a lame cover up of my real feelings. My feeling of total inadequacy with the task that God has put before me.
Raise 4 children? In this world, in this time, me? I myself am a totally messed up child.
Still searching for my purpose and wondering what I am going to be when I grow up.
Now I need to act responsible and be a parent.
You know, I wish I could go back to when overpopulation and the environment were my big worries. Those were the days.

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