The List...

First let me tell you a story..

My dear friend Charity called me one day and said, "I'm calling you to apologize."

"For what??" I responded.

"I bought some Ed Hardy shoes."

Do I really run my mouth off that much??? (how come I keep asking questions I don't want the answers too?)

Let me preface this list by saying I'm NOT a fashionista.. We are just going to approach this subject using a little bit of common sense, ok

10. Please for the love of Pete buy clothing that fits you.
Yes, I too am bummed that my size 3 jeans do not fit me anymore..BUT I'm not going to continue to pour myself into them at the cost of a really bad yeast infection and cut off circulation. Really I promise you will look and feel better if you just bite the bullet and move up a size (or two).

9. Age appropriate.
There is a Grandma that comes and picks her granddaughter up from school with Juicy written over her arse and stilettos..really? Yes I know you have a rocking body and nice fake boobies and yes of course I'm jealous of it/them..but dressing like your 16 is not going to turn back the clock no matter how tight your booty is! Helen Mirren? Sophia Loren? Google em..

8. Thong underwear.
When I first moved to AZ I happily noticed that the trend of your hiney hanging out was..well OUT. It seems that maybe the memo has not reached my dear Washington sisters.. It is only sexy to men that you DO NOT WANT TO ATTRACT.
I'm not saying don't wear a thong..I'm just saying keep it to yourself..thankyouverymuch.

7. Leave a little to the imagination.
You know how the movie is never as good as the book? Please, I choose to read a book, no I have not chosen to stare at your enviable rack.  French women have this bit down to a science...just show enough..not enough to be considered pornographic. Oh and elementary school events just MIGHT be one of those days you leave the boobie shirt in the closet. 

Ahh tasteful!

6. Spend the big bucks on your bra.
I'm not lying when I say it is your most important purchase. A fitting from Nordy's can easily take 10lbs off..or maybe add 10lbs, in all the right places! They have seen lots of boobies, no matter what yours look like they have seen worse. Just remember Amber breast fed 4 babes (two at once!) and I get there.

5. Try not to highlight your problem areas.
Know that area, embrace that area, come to grips with that area. My area is my belly. So me sporting a half shirt or a super tight around the middle shirt is normally not a good idea..duh.  

4. Full length mirror anyone?
I would like to think that if every lady in the world owned a full length mirror we would never see another muffin top again.

3. Brands.
Yes you got your sweatshirt at Hollister, Gap, Coach, A&F, Ed Hardy, Juicy, Victoria's Secret __(fill in the blank)___. Good for you! Not only did you pay for the label, you are now a walking billboard for them. 

2. Black.
It's always in style, it rises above the trends and it's slimming. Wow it is like the wonder bra of colors.

1. It's all in your head, I could wax on about inner beauty..but you all know that if you are a vengeful, unloving, nasty person well, it does not matter how stinking cute you are. No lets talk about self confidence.  You are you, wonderfully perfectly made. There is no one else in the world just like you. 
Yes you have we all do.  
Women say to me all the time, "Amber I'm not sure I could wear that." 
Yes you CAN!! Own it! Rock it! Remember...

"Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful."
Sophia Loren


Johnna Sutton said…
LOVE IT! Thank you for making me pee myself laughing so hard, I'm going to go change my thong now! funny girl
Kal said…
Very well said!
Lauren said…
You make me smile :)
Beth E-R said…
Great post, even though the first pictures were sort of scary! Love Sophia Loren's wisdom and true beauty.
GardenGirl said…
Awwwwe! Well said...way to go! I feel so much better now. Thank you!

Deb @ Garden Party
SeaWorthy said…
Anonymous said…
That was hilarious! I have seen women like the woman in the first two pics and thought "what in the heck were they thinking?". Really???

Erika Newhouse
.Twig. said…
haaahaha. I love this list idea! So cool. And we call #8 a "whale tail" in MT. Its fun spotting them. It's like being at the ocean but instead of an actual whale tail, you get 5 points for trouser cleavage. Love it!

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