I sighed loudly and clicked the little red X in the corner of the screen.
I thought that I had needed inspiration, but I just ended up feeling sad...well maybe not just sad, more like insecure, inadequate, stupid and generally the feeling you get when you buy into the lie of,
"Not good enough"
Sometimes I get caught up for a minute or two (honestly it can be like HOURS) online. This time I was browsing some other photography blogs..doing a little "research" on Pinterest..generally trying to get my creative juices flowing, but funny thing is, it did just the opposite.
So I proceeded on to my post edit work (insert the story here about how this just might be my LEAST favorite part of photography)(my favorite part is the "taking a picture and laughing and causing a bit of a scene" part). My favorite type of post edit work is ZERO POST EDIT WORK..like maybe just a little tweak here, a little crop here, a little sharpening here..I'm happy.
BUT I was feeling all insecurish, like maybe what I normally gravitate towards was not good enough.. and I started asking myself all the questions about maybe I should try this, or try that..but really I was just thinking I should make my photo's look like someone else's photo's.
Not at all Amberish.
When I got the prints back from the lab it hit me..the obvious of what I had done.
I hated the photo's. They did not look back at me and say Tres Birds..no they looked back and said..
BE ORIGINAL AND GO WITH YOUR GUT WOMAN!!!! WHAT A SHAM!!!
I was a little bit annoyed with myself. (ok like a lot)
I would like to sit here and blame the over-saturation of the creative market.
I would like to sit here and blame the horrible taste of the average consumer.
(wow..that was super passive aggressive)(all but Tres Birds consumers!)(better?)
I would like to blame the absence of originality.
I would like to sit here and blame, blame, and more blame.
But that is easy..and it sounds bitter.
Things that are awesome never come easy and bitterness and beautiful art don't even deserve to stand in the same sentence.
No, it's not the fault of others..it is my fault. My silly insecurities.. I wonder if Annie Leibovitz still does this?? Does she ever look at her images and say..."Man, if only this one looked like an Ansel Adams."
I kinda doubt it.
So all the images went in the trash, where they belonged in my opinion. Such a gross non- representation of my art made me feel all funny inside, like maybe I had just sold my creative soul to the diablo.
Being yourself at times can be risky. Trusting that gut instinct seems so..well uncertain.
But I gotta say, failing at being me has just got to be a whole lot better than succeeding at something I'm not.